The Officer's Lounge
...did you hear about

Marine Engineers have a reputation of being direct, methodical, dry - even boorish. After all, spending four hours clearing the 265 pounds of mussels from the strums boxes does, sometimes, give that appearance. The Officer's Lounge on www.dieselduck.net is a little place online for ship's crew to relax and laugh, as we explore marine and engineering lore. 

Sailors are simple, light hearted souls,
whose load of yesterday is airy as thistle-down today.

- Arthur Mason

I would like to submit to the rest of the world that, yes being methodical, careful, even maybe - anal, isn't the best of reputation for a profession. But it's the attention to details that makes great engineers. Really, it is !

This area is here to

• to make you an engineer with a sense of humor
• cheer up your day
• make you the talk of the ship - "you da man"
• make fun of deckies - I know that's too easy, but...
• make marine engineers into social butterflies - well...ok. maybe not

...and we do that by...

• Play practical jokes on unsuspecting mates
• Telling jokes
• Learning about seafaring lore and culture
• Telling funny stories about seafaring
• Learn about "nerdy" stuff

 

Upmanship

An engineer, lawyer and accountant go together on a camping trip one summer. After a night of drinking around the campfire, the accountant stood up and said "Watch This!" he took out a pistol, threw his bottle of bourbon in the air and shot it.
The lawyer, not to be out done said, "that's nothing." He threw his bottle of scotch in the air and shot it blind-folded.
The engineer stood up and said "That's better, but it's still not worth a damn." He grabbed the pistol, shot the accountant and lawyer, and sat back down to finish his beer!

 

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

 

Here a some common machinist terms explained

• Machine - A mechanical device for the removal of redundant parts of the operator's anatomy. It is fitted with various lethal weapons, known as tools.
• Machinist - A person suffering from the delusion that they control the above machine. Chiefly employed in exhibiting grossly inflated wage packets to non-engineering friends.
• Tool Setter - An interesting animal kept by the management and trained to replace broken tools, etc. Is very docile when deprived of sleep.
• Q.A. Inspector - A survivor of the Spanish Inquisition. His chief function is to weaken the machinist's nerve, thus rendering him easy prey to the machine. This is done by informing him that certain dimensions are oversize and, after adjustment, are then undersize by the same amount.
• Estimator - An illiterate whose mental processes cannot assimilate the fact that there are only 60 minutes in an hour.
• Tool-grinder - Someone who can grind a cutting edge on a tool and leave it in exactly the same state as before.
• Reamer - A device for producing various patterns on a bore surface.
• Tap - like a reamer but much more brittle
• Test Gauge - An instrument made of metal which has the peculiar property of momentary expansion or contraction
• Chargehand - Strict caution to be taken with this individual. From his frequent inquiries as to the number of hours you have worked, it must be assumed he is connected to the Income Tax authorities
• Laborer - This specimen has no ambition, does nothing all day and stays on overtime to finish it. Always missing when wanted. Very obliging a week before Christmas.
• Foreman - Very rarely seen except when you pick up a newspaper or fill in your football coupon
• Wagepacket - delayed action bombshell
• Bonus - Latin name for carrot
• Scrap - See Swarf
• Swarf - Chief product of engineering
• Component - By-product of the manufacture of the above
• Finish - An abstract term used by the Q.A. Inspector and something that is never good enough
• Bolt - A cylindrical piece of metal with a helical screw on the outside that is either under or oversize
• Nut - Something that never fits the above
• Location diameter - A size that is never right and is always produced by another department
• Faulty set-up - An accomplishment always achieved by the opposite shift
• Model - A standard of excellence produced accidentally
• Coolant pump - A device so designed as to deluge the machinist with oil or water when he is not looking

 

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Sensitivity

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, So we let them play here
anytime free of charge! (silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

What do you say to a deck officer working ashore?
"One Big Mac and fries please....."

Submitted by Dave G., Trainee Engineering Officer
P&O Portsmouth, UK

 

Here to Serve

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

The professional and the sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute named Sally and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

He asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute named Sally replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Sally says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

 

Engineers at the pearly gates

3 marine engineers die and go to heaven (of course) where they are greeted by St Peter at the pearly gates.
"What type of engines have you spent the most time working on?" he asks.
"Sulzers" replies one of the engineers to which a hole appears in the clouds and he falls straight to hell!
"Pielsticks" replies the other who promptly suffers the same fate.
"Rustons" says the last, to which the pearly gates swing open and St Peter announces
"You, my child, may enter heaven, as you have already experienced hell!"

Top Ten Reasons to Date An Engineer

10) They are used to all niters
9) They get to learn what all those buttons on your calculator are for
8) They are always willing to experiment
7) They know how to decrease and increase friction
6) They know all about heat transfer
5) They do it with more torque
4) Engineering couples have better moments
4b) They know how to deal with stress and strain
3) They know how to test their rigid cantilevers
2) "Lubrication, Friction, and Wear" is really a class
And the number one reason to date an engineer....
1) They design and build larger erections

 

Are you a professional?

The following small quiz consists of 4 questions. It tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for the answers. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is : open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (Simple enough ?)
This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your prudence.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant
The Elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking.
OK, if you did not answer correctly the last three questions, this one may be your last chance to test your qualification to be a professional.

4. There is a crocodile infested river with no bridges. How do you manage to get across it ?

Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
I hope you got this one correct. Don't be frustrated, according to the statistics of Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam.
But most preschoolers got it correct which disproves the theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four year old.

The engineer and the frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I'll stay with you."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket.

The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you
kiss me?"

The engineer said: "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

Your call...

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. naval vessel and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again you divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call...
Here is a dramatic video re-enacting of the above story...

 

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

A prayer for the stressed

Lord. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work; 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.

Help me to remember ... when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are really trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen

  

Gear which falls from aloft is usually harder than the head it falls upon.
- John Irving

Administratium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium"

Administratium has

• 1 neutron,
• 2 assistant neutrons,
• 75 deputy neutrons,
• and 111 assistant deputy neutrons,
• giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administatium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less that a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isotopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".

You will know it when you see it..

 

 

Missing the life at sea?

Try these helpful suggestions to bring back the memories.

• Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
• Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
• Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world.
• Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
• Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (i.e. plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc.)
• Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
• Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
• Wear only uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
• Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
• Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
• Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.
• Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor.
• Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
• Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and night crew bump around and wake you up.
• Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
• Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
• Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the simageses you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
• Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
• At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.
• Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
• Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
• Remove all plants, images and decorations. Paint everything grey, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
• Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
• Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
• When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
• Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
• Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
• Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
• Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
• Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
• Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

Remind yourself every day: "it's not just a job, it's an adventure !"

 

*** Thanks Andy Madge for submitting many of the following jokes

STANDING ORDERS; AS REQUIRED BY A.N. OIL. CO.
(or how to keep an unsafe watch)

• Put everything in writing, in triplicate, no matter how trivial. The more pieces of paper you produce, the better you are at your job.
• Enter position on chart at least every five minutes, as well as filling in various log books, check lists, passage plans, anchor plans, and anything that may be useful in court to explain why the vessel collided/ran aground due to O.O.W. being too busy with paper work to keep an adequate watch.
• Ensure correct clothing is worn at all times, along with a plentiful supply of pens and paper to record as much useless data as possible.
• Crew training; whenever time permits, instruction to be given in all aspects of form filling, and creating a good impression to shore staff (with emphasis on brandishing check lists and standing in most conspicuous places). On NO account should crew be allowed to paint or do anything useful.
• Hold frequent safety meetings to discuss when time can be found to actually do the job that we are paid to do. Also discuss the extra fire hazard of the paper mountain being accumulated.
• Fatigue is all in the mind, and should not be used as an excuse for not working 24 hours a day.
• Shore (safety?) Inspectors are to be treated courteously (and with as much kowtowing and groveling as possible as this considerably speeds up the inspection.
• If in doubt at any time, pretend to be a Filipino with no knowledge of the English language.
• A good lookout is to be kept at all times (how and by whom is under discussion at safety meetings). In any event, sign to say one was being kept. (If it is in writing it must be true).
• Fill in daily work and check list (You will be amazed how much work can be done this way).
• In port, moorings and gangway to be tended by whoever is not trailing around after shore inspectors/surveyors.
• When the above orders start to get on top of you, sign off, get a higher paid job with less hours ashore and use this sheet of paper in the toilet!!

 

RULES TO REMEMBER FOR ENGINEERING OFFICERS

• Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
• Left to themselves things go from bad to worse.
• If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one thing that does go wrong is the one that causes most damage.
• If everything appears to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.
• Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
• An object will fall where it will do the most damage.
• Any tool dropped whilst being used in the Engine room will roll to the most inaccessible part of the bilge.
• Under the most rigorous, controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, a certain type of turbo alternator will start only if it damn well pleases.
• Nothing is impossible to the man who doesn't have it to do.
• The Chief Engineer is always right.
• When the Chief Engineer is wrong refer to Rule No. 10.
• When all else fails read the instruction book.
• If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
• The odds are five to six that the light at the end of the duct keel is an oncoming train.
• When several officers share a taxi, the one in the front seat pays for all.
• Experience gained is proportional to the amount of machinery ruined.
• If there is five minutes of sunshine during the day, it will be obscured by smoke from the soot blowers.
• If it jams, force it.
• If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
• Everything takes longer if you think about it.
• Any pipe cut to length will be too short.
• The man who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of someone else to blame.
• Any efficient machinery should be immediately stopped and overhauled.
• Smile ... Tomorrow will be worse.
• Once a Job Is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
• Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
• Negative thinking produces negative results. Positive thinking produces negative results.
• You always find something the last place you look.
• Technology is dominated by two types of people; those who understand what they do not manage, those who manage what they do not understand.
• Every idea evokes three stages of reaction, they can be summed up by the three phrases: its impossible - don't waste my time. It is possible, - but it is not worth doing. I said it was a good idea all along
• Anything good in life is either illegal, Immoral, or fattening.

Notice Of Return

Issued in solemn warning this ...... day of ...........
To the neighbors, friends and relations of ..........

1. Very soon the above named sailor will be in your midst once more, dehydrated, radio-active, and demoralized. Eager to regain his place in society as a human being, entitles to liberty and justice, whilst engaged in the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness.
2. In making your preparations to welcome him back to civilization, you must make some allowance for the crude environment which has been his unfortunate lot for the last ... months. In brief he may be suffering from 'tankeritus', 'sweatitius', 'rashitus' or even the shakes, a common local complaint brought on by the consumption of too much Tiger, Green Chicken, or C.S.B., and he may have become a little Eastern in his outlook to life.
3. His diet, to which he has grown accustomed, should, for the first few weeks at least, consist of tinned milk, watered down considerably, dehydrated potatoes or other canned vegetables. fresh or rich foods, especially milk, should be avoided for the first few weeks and then only introduced gradually. His only meat should be corned beef or spam. if he should prefer to eat his food with his fingers instead of the normal eating utensils please smile nonchalantly in an understanding manner.
4. Show no alarm if he prefers to sit on the floor instead of a chair, always kicks his boots off before entering the house, wears only a towel and flip-flops when visiting the neighbors, or has a tendency to avoid anyone important. Sidetrack him from partially filled coaches for he will almost certainly regard them as organized parties to the local brewery.
5. Do not allow him on the roads un-accompanied for it may prove his undoing. traffic he has forgotten and would rather walk, he will sit on the pavement for hours muttering things about 'Fast Black' or waiting for some motorist to take pity on him and offer him a lift.
6. Do all his shopping for him, and by continual repetition, help him to understand that all kind of bartering, haggling, cajoling or even physically threatening shopkeeper is taboo in your land of civilization.
7. His wife must be kind, considerate and thoughtful at all time, particularly when he takes a sum of money from his pocket to give her each morning. Always check his socks before washing as you'll usually find a few 'hidden' pound notes, Guilders, Yen etc. he has put there for emergencies.
8. His language may be rather embarrassing at times, but in a short time he can be taught to speak modern English again instead of his course Anglo-Saxon. Never tell him the chap down the road working with Shell Tankers has got promotion again and never make flattering remarks about the Royal Fleet Auxiliary in his company.
9. For the first few months, until he has become house trained, be particularly watchful when he is in the company of women, especially young and beautiful specimens, for he is likely to enter discussions on prices, services rendered and money matters in general. His intentions are sincere but entirely dishonourable.

Treat this man with kindness, tolerance and the occasional quart of good whiskey and you will be able to rehabilitate that which is but a hollow shell of the happy person you once knew.

 

Q. What do engineers and computers have in common?
A. You have to punch information into both of them!

 

MORALE, MENTAL STATE CHECKLIST

• A Joyous, enraptured, filled with happiness, etc.
• B Happy-go-lucky, still quite joyous, etc.
• C Trying to be happy, not really joyous, but still smiling a lot.
• D Not happy but not yet grumpy. Inane grin, disenchanted, time to put coat-hanger in gob.
• E A little grumpy. Inane grin now replaced by bared teeth.
• F Sulky & moody. Bared & gnashing teeth with malevolent leer. Drools.
• G Overtly aggressive. Snaps & bites. Spits on deck a lot.
• H Violent outbursts, actively seeks arguments. Facial twitches manifest. Does nasties in other peoples cabins in secret. Breaks coat-hanger while gnashing teeth.
• I Talks & mutters to himself. Pisses in pantry water boiler. Rips arms & legs from teddy bear & hurls into corner.
• J Starts to argue with himself & loses these arguments. General loss of interest in anything constructive. Teddy bear, now minus head, committed to deep six. Swallows remains of coat-hanger.
• K Everything now no longer works right. Runs out of fags, goes on piss. Runs out of nice drinks so starts on all the funny stuff left over from new year. Gets Montezuma's revenge then finds out that some rotter has anointed his bog roll with Sanilav, gets piles cauterized. Vows to wreak horrid revenge on everyone aboard.
• L Pulls himself together a bit and makes an effort to get it fixed. Nearly ready to run it up, Chief says 'take it out again lads', flash metallic grin at Chief while brain goes into Demonic overload.
• M Junior drops bucket of tools on favorite in-growing toenail. Utter oaths aloud. Have great problems in walking about ship, with junior impaled on boot. Get Junior amputated. Foam at mouth. Finish job, go on piss. Revert to A.

You must be a...

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a superintendent."

 

Q. What is the difference between a deckie and a shopping trolley?
A. You can get more food in a deckie, but a shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

 

WARNING!

This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence only aggravated the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.

Never let anything mechanical know that you are in a hurry

 

So you want to be a drill ship captain?

• Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 3 weeks straight.
• Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
• Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
• Have your oldest kid perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
• Yell at your neighbour if he walks outside without a hardhat and boots.
• Have your family eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then yell at them for spending too much work time in the bathroom.
• Make your family complete an OJT before they operate any appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
• Tell your wife that when the car is moving your in charge, while stopped or in park she's in charge but if it catches on fire while it's parked your in charge.
• Tell your son to empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. Give the task a stupid name like "policing main deck" or "AM trash run".
• Repaint your entire house once a month.
• Disconnect all your neighbours'' phones and install a phone booth on the street.
• Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch Fox News and the Country Music station.
• Have the family vote on which TV channels to watch and then pick different ones.
• Sew reflective strips to the front of all your shirts.
• Expand your vocabulary. For this task watching Larry the Cable Guy is the best way to git 'r done.
• Reprogram all your phones so that you have to dial 99 the number and # to call anyone outside your neighbourhood. When you do call wait 3 seconds after every question before speaking.
• Needle gun the aluminium siding on your house after your neighbours have gone to bed.
• At 10:15 Sunday morning when your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs "Fire, fire in the galley, FIRE team muster at�.."
• Buy $50,000 worth of radio equipment "in case" there is an emergency and hire a qualified radio operator to "man the station"�.. then make them pay your bills, arrange your travel and answer all your phone calls.
• Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
• Paint every room in your house powder blue.
• When your daughter asks for an iPod fire up the old commodore 64 computer, make her type out the request, deny it 3 times, then call fedex and tell then to keep it in their warehouse for 3 months after it arrives.
• When your kids come home with A's on their report card buy them a camouflage hat with flames down the side and the family name embroidered across the brim.
• Yell at your wife if she cooks anything but fried chicken for lunch on Sunday
• Call the restaurant five hours before arriving and then tell the cook to start heating up the steaks
• Each Christmas when your aunt Jane and uncle Jim visit make them stay on the porch until they have watched a 2 hour video of yourself pointing out all the fire extinguishers and smoke alarms in your house.
• Make your kids pay 50 cents for each soda they drink.
• Never call a local repair man when your stove breaks. Instead call someone in the UK and pay for their flight. When they arrive call the tax company and give them strict orders not to pick the repairman up until the stove is fixed.
• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
• Designate a room in the house as "The Control Room" then make your kids sit their in front of a computer screen for 12 hours. Tell them that if anything turns red they could cause the family millions of dollars.
• Tell your neighbour to call you when ever they see a thunderstorm in your area.
• Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
• Leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
• Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Have your 2 year old spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbour's car. Ignore his complaints.
• Head to the local dive bar and ask the first retired guy you see to sit in your home office scratching his nuts. Make him a plaque reading "company man" and tell him to "remind" you daily about every squeaky floor, dripping faucet, late mail deliveries. Tell him to invite his friends over and when they show up move your kids into the garage so they have a nice bed to sleep in.
• After shopping rent a cherry picker offload the groceries.
• Each morning jot down the wind speed/direction, barometer reading and the amount of fluids in your hot water heater, gas tank, lawn mower. convert the figures you get into whatever unit of measurement you did not use and write it down in 6 different places.
• Have your kid monitor the police scanner 24 hours a day "just in case there's an emergency.
• Pay the editor of your son's middle school newspaper an undisclosed amount to deliver his paper by helicopter to you each morning. When he arrives throw some leftovers into a Styrofoam box and offer it to him.
• Find a bridge simulator with 360 degree views, enrol in ship handling class then spend 1/2 of your time looking behind you. Spend the other half of the time on the phone explaining why the main deck lights are out, why you don't know/care what the water depth is and performing unit conversions in response to the question "Can you give me that in something I can use??" .do this one every hour.
• Once a year throw a huge bar-b-q. Buy crawfish, steak and shrimp then overcook them and offer your guests only O'Douls and soda pop.
• Go to your local elementary school and ask the principal to send you a weekly list of the stupidest things the kindergarteners have done that week. Call a meeting with your family every Monday and read the list with a straight face.
• Place toothpicks, picante sauce and a can of Tony Chachere's on your kitchen table.
• Call 911 and tell them to send a helicopter each time your son falls off his bike.
• Eat only at all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants that specialize in fried foods. Bonus points if you have a view of the cooking area from your table and the place primarily employs nose-pickers and butt-scratchers.
• Twice a day (or more if possible) get everyone together in as small a room as possible (a closet or bathroom should do) and have a meeting to listen to someone tell you what you did all day. Bonus points for reiterating statements multiple times (i.e. "Like Joe says safety is").
• Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
• Walk around town with safety checklists. Each time you find a city employee doing something stupid write it down on an index card, tell the person he screwed up then give the card to the mayor to read off at the town council meeting.
• Explain to your wife why you don't know how to calculate tides 250miles offshore. Once the light bulb comes on spend at least one hour answering questions like "Well why do you have a tide table book if it's useless?", "Can't you get the computer to tell you?" and "Don't you have a depth sounder like on a bass boat?"
• Set your kids alarm clock to go off at 10:00 every Sunday morning. Make them jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure they're wearing a plastic hat and metal in their shoes. Have them run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
• Install a toilet in every room then leave your door open so that everyone walking down the hallway knows you had chili-con-carne for lunch.
• Each time your family does something you think is unsafe or just plain dumb take a digital photo of it and send it out to everyone you know.
• Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
• Give your wife a CB radio and tell her to call you each time she turns the car, fills up the gas tank or it starts to rain.
• Install speakers and a telephone in every room of the house. When you want to talk to your kids announce it over the speakers and give them the phone number of your room. Repeat at lease once to make sure they heard you,
• Take hourly readings on your water and your electric meters.
• Go to your children's school and yell at the teacher for allowing them to use blue ink on their homework.
• Surround yourself with people you would not choose to be with. Suggested choices are those who: chain smoke, fart loudly and often, snore like a steam locomotive on an uphill grade. Also, they must: complain incessantly, seldom shower and/or brush their teeth. Lastly, they must use expletives in speech like children use sugar on cereal. In-laws will do nicely.
• Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
• Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

Tough go

An old drillship Captain and an old Rig Manager were sitting at a bar in Houston, arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 6 years in India and 4 years in Nigeria" said the Rig Manager.
"I brought the ship through 3 hurricanes and made 2 North Atlantic crossings in the dead of winter" said the Captain.
"I escaped a hostile takeover of Indonesia and was shot in the arm!" said the manager.
"You woos, I was taken over by pirates in the Malacca straight and tortured 3 hours for the combination to the ship's safe!" the old man replied.
"That's nothing while in nigera I caught the plague and spent 3 months in the worst rat hole hospital you've ever seen, I still have scars from the bed sours all down my back and now have to carry around this colostomy bag!" said the rig manager.
"Ah," said the Captain with a dismissive wave of his hand, "lucky bastard, all shore duty, huh?"

 

Diesel Fitter

Sven and Ole worked together. They were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic on to cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty stitchers were unskilled labourers and diesel fitters were skilled labourers." "What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."

What if...

A drillship is called into anchor to perform a UWILD and the captain decided to quiz a mates & dpos.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the mate replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms old man."

 

"She's so ugly, the tide won't even take her out !"
Heard after returning to the ship, after some time ashore.

 

The 5 most dangerous things you'll hear on a Drillship

• A Seaman saying, "I learned this in tops school..."
• A crane operator saying, "Trust me..."
• A tool pusher saying, "Run like you stole it"
• A Chief Mate saying, "I was just thinking..."
• An OIM saying, "Based on my experience..."
• The Captain heading to the DP joystick saying, "Watch this shit..."

 

Notice:

In keeping with the Company's Safety, Health, Welfare and Quality Manual, you will need to fill out this form, before proceeding on any "boys night out".

 

Who's really in charge...

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.""I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The 'asshole' is usually in charge!

A marine engineer retires to the countryside

One day he's passing the blacksmiths shop and he sees the Smith making horseshoes. "I can do that, " he told the Smith. When he got home, the engineer made four horseshoes in his little workshop. The blacksmith is impressed. Each edge is milled , each hole is perfectly drilled, the finish is immaculate and all four shoes are identical. He tells the engineer to fit shoes to a horse while he goes home for lunch.

When the smith returns, the shoes are fitted, each one set dead centre, each nail trimmed and polished. "That's a great job you've done there, couldn't do better myself, only , why is the horse upside down?" "Dunno", said the engineer, "he's been like that since I took him out of the vise"
Submitted by Graeme Park, 06.2008

 

ACHTUNG !

alles lookenspeepers
Das machina ist nicht fur
gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. lst
easy schnappender springenwerk,
blowenfusen mit spitzensparken. 1st
nicht fur gewerken bg das dummkopfen.
Das rubberneeken sightseeren keepen
hands in das pockets, relaxen und
watch das blinkenlights.

 

Bill H. sent this joke in by email; it pretty much encapsulate what it is to be a marine engineer.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are sentenced to death on the guillotine.

They put the doctor's head on the block, pull the release, and nothing happens. Then, because the law allows no further punishment, the doctor is set free.

Then they bring up the lawyer. Same thing happens, and the lawyer goes free.

Then they bring up the engineer. Just before they put his head on the block, he looks up at the blade mechanism and shouts "Wait! I think I see the problem."

 

Q - How can you spot an extroverted engineer?
A - He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

 

The Frayed Knot

One day, a loose string went into a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said:
"We don't serve loose strings in here. Get the hell out right now."

So, then the string went into the men's room and proceeded to tie himself into a knot. Then he messed up his hair really good and went back into the bar.

He bellied up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The the bartender says:,
"Hey, aren't you the same loose string I just threw out of here?"

And the string replied:
"No, I'm a frayed knot."

Decky saves woman

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.
'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.
'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.
'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there.

I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you, if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night.

For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors has been helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night . . . and he's screwing me.'

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.'

 

" That guys been around longer then the dead sea's been sick. "

- Unknown

Ability to bullshit and be brilliance only come with age and experience

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 

Arguing with an Engineer is allot like wrestling in the mud with a pig,
After a couple of hours, you realize the pig likes it.
- Submitted by Rick B. 08/2013

RivTow was a large tugboat company in British Columbia, they put out calendars for their customers featuring some nautical themes, by famed local illustrators. Click on image for larger size.

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